Single and NOT Ready to Mingle

This is strictly for those who have been single for a large part of their lives and/or are planning to be single i.e contriving a nasty break up and/or are surrounded by people who claim to be happy in a relationship making them want to be in one; more importantly it is for people who run-away from commitment and pee in their pants when they even hear the ‘M’ word-Marriage.

I lived a happy life with all my single-best friends who would be at my beck and call and i would be at theirs. Everything was hunky dory in my sugar sweet life, until a cupid, or actually a bunch of them, went out and bit some of  my perfectly sane friends and they fell in a dreadful 4-lettered word L.O.V.E. Every now and then i would get a call from one of my baboons telling me how crazy they were about their respective boyfriends or girlfriends. I always egged them on as any supportive friend would and showed them my not-so-cynical side. One of them deserves a mention (although i would not reveal his identity). The guy was madly and famously in love with a childhood sweetheart. He called her his best friend. I told him that please don’t tarnish the role of a best friend and ask her out. Little did i know that he would take me so seriously, that he mustered the courage to do so; poor shy-guy got a royal rejection! Lucky me, i had never been turned down in my life (which is probably owing to the fact that i never did ask anyone) but now i was feeling terrible for my friend and completely guilty as it was my encouragement that had led to this complete discouragement. I helped him move on telling him that he was better off without her (how much of it was true, i cannot reveal as i am a convincing liar when it comes to keeping my pals happy). But this was not it. On an abominable night, i don’t know what was going on in my devious mind, i said to my Neo Devdas the unthinkable—‘’dude, i think you never really loved her. I always felt you and Emily(name changed on request) belong together.’’ Emily was his new best friend. i slept peacefully that night knowing that i had consoled him well, at least that was a way that had least bloodshed and/or tears. Just like how your tiny bhatija/bhatiji/bhanja/bhanji takes to the new toy you got him or her in no time, my friend took to his. And viola-i was the cupid who had just sung a romantic ballad in the virtual world of Emily and her new boyfriend...

 Another story is of a different couple. They had, i am assuming, accomplished everything that a couple does (or does not) by maintaining that they were ‘’just friends’’. These are the types i detest the most. They will canoodle and cuddle in front of the entire world in broad daylight, claiming that this is what friends do. Oh to hell with such people. I have a million friends and if i do anything of this sort with any of my female friends, they would stick a slap on my cheek. But later, lighting struck this couple and they came out of the closet (punt intended)!

Then i am just reminded of a different couple-the geek-nerd special combo. These are the funny types. I mean they are not funny, but being around them is. They discuss equations over the phone and write lovey-dovey notes when they exchange their books and world maps et al. Conducting mock vivas is their ideal date and out ranking each other in the exams is simply orgasmic.

Then there is the master slave couple. No, no, i am not referring to any sexual act, but i am referring to the behaviour of this kind of a couple. The girl uses her boyfriend to fetch her anything and everything she needs ranging from water to nail paint remover. I am sure he must be swabbing the floors whenever her maid fails to show up.

So that leaves us to this conclusion that we all, who are alone, are lucky and should not take this for granted. If you are nauseated by the love around you, then call me...trust me i will give you a 100 more reasons to be single.

PS- Any resemblance to real life is purely co-incidental.

Shakti, Thy Name is Woman!

My previous posts might have given the readers an impression that I am devoid of respect for women. But, that is quite the contradictory impression that is harbored! So to clear the air, please read on!

The Navaratri is the season that symbolizes womanhood. It makes you realize how important, powerful, benevolent, mystical and, of course, beautiful women can be. A woman surpasses men in every regard- intelligence, emotional strength, contentment, hard-work, commitment and dedication. She takes up several roopas (9 mythologically) when need comes and fulfills her role to the fullest. Durga slayed Maishasur with a dexterous ease that could not be achieved even by The Trinity (Brahma, Vishnu and Mahesh) goes on to prove that the fairer sex, though fair, is not fragile after all.

And it holds true even today. There are a million sob stories about women. Agreed! But then I feel they may not be accomplished women, because there also are exemplary women who have proved what a woman can do! The regular office going girl, who commutes in trains that are inundated with testosterone and are subjected to eve-teasing, raise their sandals and give the hooligans a taste of Kaali. She is the woman I hold in the highest regard. She goes to office and rubs shoulders with equally (or lesser) talented MEN, only to find her struggle harder than the ‘tougher’ sex. Her battle doesn’t end here as she has to equally juggle her family commitments, her friends and her other small little things that no one else would do for her.

Women are different than men. For example, ask a man why he loves her woman-he will come up with a reason; ask this to a woman and she will have no reasons. She loves whole-heartedly-as a lover, as a sister, and as a Mother, and she gives until she is exhausted, both physically and mentally. As a daughter she cares for her parents and never ceases to do so during her entire life; as a lover, she loves unconditionally and puts your life/career/success in front of hers; as a wife, she shares her joys, sorrows, and happiness; and as a mother, she truly becomes a WOMAN. I think the biggest joy of womanhood is motherhood- the ability to bring another life puts her to a pedestal next to God’s.

I feel that every man who has/had a woman in his life, has been awestruck by that woman at least once. He may not have acknowledged it (read male ego), but deep down inside he truly believes in the force that is “woman”.

 The women, who crib about being “abala” (crippled) in this male-dominated society, have no right of calling themselves women- they are plain cross-dressers! Because if you are a woman, stop sobbing over that fact that you are one. In fact, rejoice in the fact that you are one and invoke your true potential! Get over the fact that the world is indeed a terrible place to live in, especially for women. Be the Laxmi, Durga, (or even Kaali if you have to be) as inside each one of you is Shakti, the energy that drives the world!

PS- My mother has been a big influence in my life. Without her, I wouldn’t even be, right? So this one is for you-for being the best woman I know!

10 NEW Ways to Break-Up with Your Girlfriend...

This one is for all the guys, who have been driven into insanity by their girlfriends. But also for girls

who might be fitting the bill of the victimisers! Gone are the days of "It's not You, It's me!"

1.       Follow a strict diet of eating onions, garlic and anything that is pungent. Then whisper naughty little sweet-nothings in her ears, possibly closer to her nose. And then plant the most UN-romantic kiss in the history of romances. Keep them coming and a few days later she will break the good news herself-“I wanna break up”

(Warning-Stay away from your friends during this time or you will lose them in the bargain)

2.       Stare at a hotter girl when with her. Nothing works better than this. Even if the random girl is not that hot, you make her sound hot. Your girlfriend will question your fidelity and ultimately end up in a tearful, hurtful break-up. In this, chances are that you will be slapped and punched in the face. But do remember the ultimate goal of being a free single-guy.

3.       Don’t wish her on her birthday. Forget the anniversaries that she ‘cares’ about so much. And then on her birthday/anniversary call up someone else and wish him/her. This will prompt her to leave you then and there. But this is the most dangerous of all; she could just about castrate you. Girls, can do crazy things and it is worth risking it if yours is as crazy.

4.       Go on a vacation with your buddies and send her pictures of you-drunk, semi-nude with foreign chicks. Go to goa, preferably.

5.       Get a weird hair color, new loud clothes and behave in a way that garners a lot of attention. If she is sophisticated, she will leave you after a few days.

6.       Ask her to do things that she would not normally agree with (you know what I mean :-P). And tell her you won’t have it any other way. She will either DO THEM or she will leave you. Either way, you win.

7.       Desperate times call for desperate measures. Tell her that you are dying and you want her to find love again before you die. Life is not as unreal as ‘A Walk to Remember’. She will leave you, after a little pushing-away and nagging.

8.       Try reverse-psychology. Tell her that though things are not going well, you want to give it a shot. Fight a few days later. Tell her that you will commit suicide if she breaks-up with you. Tell her that even if she has not mentioned. She will patch up with you, fearing the suicide note. But then fight-again. This time, if she is courageous enough, she will break-up, bored of your suicide ultimatum. This is like slow-poison, sure but slow.

9.       Take her to all the expensive places that she always wanted you to take her to. Then ask her to pay every time. Let her feel the pinch. Behave like a leech. Truth of life-girls like to have fun, until it is out of someone else’s pocket. She will leave you.

10.   Stop taking her calls. Sever all communication. And then drop a mail on Facebook, or somewhere saying “Sorry, can’t be with you. I need time for myself.” Cruel, isn’t it? But C’est La Vie

PS-Girls, please don’t hate me. I will write 10 ways for you to break up…keep reading!

Not a girlfriend….Yet like a girlfriend!

(DISCLAIMER: This one is for GUYS only. But Girls too read it as it might help you to understand guys better.)

I am not talking about “friends with benefits”. In fact, I am talking about the other way around-having a female friend who will usurp all the happiness out of your life like your girlfriend, without the providing the “benefits” of a girlfriend. First of all, I don’t know when it all started that being friends with the opposite sex became cool. May be it was Mujhse Dosti Karoge or one of the other candy floss films that made friendship sound COOLER.

The CATCH- these girls become friends with you, become very good friends with you (in some cases your best friend) and then expect your undivided attention. You are expected to be at their beck and call 24x7. They will call you once, twice, thrice and even a zillionth time until you hang up on your boss and tell him that it’s your mother calling and pick up your lady friend’s phone. Is this Lady-like behavior?

I support women. I love women-the things they do, the way they handle so many things simultaneously. So if you think I am a pig, you are wrong! But this is to all the girls out there-Have you heard of something called “Just Relax”? It is about being quiet, giving your male friend a break and accepting that HE TOO HAS A LIFE. Enough with all the saccharine-coated friendship! It is time to get real and practical.

I am not telling that girls and guys shouldn’t be friends. Having female friends has its advantages-hey are more supportive of you, they are more honest towards you and they are not jealous of your success. But at the same time they come with LOADS of emotional baggage. Something that I have been telling myself these days-Guy buds are better-there’s less talk, more laughter (pervert jokes), no tears. Be friends with a girl only if she is… (do I even need to complete this?).

PS-Any resemblance to life is co-incidental. No strings attached!