Single and NOT Ready to Mingle

This is strictly for those who have been single for a large part of their lives and/or are planning to be single i.e contriving a nasty break up and/or are surrounded by people who claim to be happy in a relationship making them want to be in one; more importantly it is for people who run-away from commitment and pee in their pants when they even hear the ‘M’ word-Marriage.

I lived a happy life with all my single-best friends who would be at my beck and call and i would be at theirs. Everything was hunky dory in my sugar sweet life, until a cupid, or actually a bunch of them, went out and bit some of  my perfectly sane friends and they fell in a dreadful 4-lettered word L.O.V.E. Every now and then i would get a call from one of my baboons telling me how crazy they were about their respective boyfriends or girlfriends. I always egged them on as any supportive friend would and showed them my not-so-cynical side. One of them deserves a mention (although i would not reveal his identity). The guy was madly and famously in love with a childhood sweetheart. He called her his best friend. I told him that please don’t tarnish the role of a best friend and ask her out. Little did i know that he would take me so seriously, that he mustered the courage to do so; poor shy-guy got a royal rejection! Lucky me, i had never been turned down in my life (which is probably owing to the fact that i never did ask anyone) but now i was feeling terrible for my friend and completely guilty as it was my encouragement that had led to this complete discouragement. I helped him move on telling him that he was better off without her (how much of it was true, i cannot reveal as i am a convincing liar when it comes to keeping my pals happy). But this was not it. On an abominable night, i don’t know what was going on in my devious mind, i said to my Neo Devdas the unthinkable—‘’dude, i think you never really loved her. I always felt you and Emily(name changed on request) belong together.’’ Emily was his new best friend. i slept peacefully that night knowing that i had consoled him well, at least that was a way that had least bloodshed and/or tears. Just like how your tiny bhatija/bhatiji/bhanja/bhanji takes to the new toy you got him or her in no time, my friend took to his. And viola-i was the cupid who had just sung a romantic ballad in the virtual world of Emily and her new boyfriend...

 Another story is of a different couple. They had, i am assuming, accomplished everything that a couple does (or does not) by maintaining that they were ‘’just friends’’. These are the types i detest the most. They will canoodle and cuddle in front of the entire world in broad daylight, claiming that this is what friends do. Oh to hell with such people. I have a million friends and if i do anything of this sort with any of my female friends, they would stick a slap on my cheek. But later, lighting struck this couple and they came out of the closet (punt intended)!

Then i am just reminded of a different couple-the geek-nerd special combo. These are the funny types. I mean they are not funny, but being around them is. They discuss equations over the phone and write lovey-dovey notes when they exchange their books and world maps et al. Conducting mock vivas is their ideal date and out ranking each other in the exams is simply orgasmic.

Then there is the master slave couple. No, no, i am not referring to any sexual act, but i am referring to the behaviour of this kind of a couple. The girl uses her boyfriend to fetch her anything and everything she needs ranging from water to nail paint remover. I am sure he must be swabbing the floors whenever her maid fails to show up.

So that leaves us to this conclusion that we all, who are alone, are lucky and should not take this for granted. If you are nauseated by the love around you, then call me...trust me i will give you a 100 more reasons to be single.

PS- Any resemblance to real life is purely co-incidental.

Ugly, Why be Pagli?

The womankind is divided into 2 simple parts- those who look good, and those who WANT to look good. (Caution to the readers- if you belong to the latter category, don’t get disheartened read on. Also read my blog on women empowerment; that ought to make you happy!) Now the ones who are hot have it all-a good boyfriend, a great career, and above all, and they get a lot more attention from the humankind in general. If you observe their life closely, everything can be traced back to their looks. They pass in their exams thanks to their male teachers; they get promoted real fast, thanks to their male bosses; they get to break queues for a movie theater too, thanks to the men again. And they lament relentlessly about living in a man’s world. Had it not been a man’s world, these women would not have clambered the ladder of success with such ease!

Whereas on the other hand, the girls who want to look good are generally the slackers. I know this may sound harsh, but if you are a girl, not an ugly one, but just a plain-jane, have you gotten lesser attention even within your close-friend circle, than your other ‘fairer’ female-counterparts? So they start their efforts in ‘making-up’ for what the genes failed to do! These girls are the biggest consumers of cosmetics all around the world. If they are rich, then they are the most gullible of all fashion victims, and they think buying designer wear is a long-term investment. The war doesn’t end here! They are always in cahoots against the hot girls, and are constantly slandering those poor souls’ names. I mean how can all the hot girls be bi***es? If the gorgeous ones get a boyfriend, these unlucky ones call them sl**s; if they reduce weight in an extremely short span of time, the fat ones bicker about them going under the knife. They have excuses for everything and are generally dissatisfied souls. And I don’t blame these women-imagine being subjected to a lifetime of deprecation! They actually deserve to do a lot more derisive and diabolical things, but then life is not fair! In fact it is less than fair for these ugly bettys.

The real problem comes when these women from the lower rungs want to rise higher. Their first step towards achieving that-play hard to get with the guys; the second one-smother yourself in so much make-up that you resemble a porcelain geisha; the third and the ‘ugliest’-skin show. Now time for some veritaserum- 1^st don’t play hard-to-get, you will only get disappointed as no guy will come running after you, except for some loser (but if you are that desperate, then you go gal!). 2^nd make-up is like salt in food, it’s one of the ingredients (that too in a small amount), not the entire main course. 3^rd, well, it might just work sometime, I mean living in a male-dominated society, remember!

So here is the real deal. Watch Ugly Betty and learn from her that being in your skin at all times is important- whether you look good or bad (or plain ugly). Cleopatra wasn’t beautiful either, but she ruled the Nile. Kajol almost looked like Shahrukh, it was like 2 men acting together in Baazigar, but she touched the hearts of millions. Still not getting it? Well, the key is to remain true to yourself! So what if you are ugly, you will do just fine, even better. Just don’t be a Pagli, trying to be something that you are not!

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The Three Loveless Friends (Part 1)

There are people who bond over food; then there are people who bond over music; but there are people who just bond. This is a tale of 3 friends who bonded on nothing in common only to discover-they after all had a common thread that tied them together. So let me introduce you to the weird trio and their not-so-docile friendship.

The first one was a black-eyed, dark skinned, narcissistic boy from the land of innocence. (At least that is what appeared at the outset.) He loved himself and this is an understatement. He was fun-loving, happy-go-lucky, but disarmingly charismatic. Everybody loved him. And that was the problem. Everybody loved him, except for that one girl he always dreamed of. No he wasn’t a testosterone driven teenager; he was a tiny man in the 2^nd standard. Yes, it was since then he was looking for love. But was love around the corner? Yes, it was. But the problem was that he was always at the wrong corner. This time, he was at the right place and at the right time.

The second one was a loud, thick skinned girl. Beautiful she was, but then as they say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. She was in college and she was almost a he. Hung out with guys, wanted to play cricket; got into fist fights; and when she got to abusing, she could put a boy to shame. She would angry at the slightest and would fall in love at the slightest. It was as if the world was a slippery floor, and she was the only one in that paradise-slipping and tripping, falling in LOVE. Her dreams were big, so big that no guy had the courage to handle them (or her for that matter). But one day, things changed.

The third was a geek, the guy who spent his life in cyber space. He was funny, sharp, witty. Good for him, right? But at the same time was bespectacled, loud and annoyingly successful at whatever he did. He was the horse that ran in a derby for himself, inching towards the finishing line with a gallant pace, irrespective of where he stood in the race. Girls liked him. They LIKED him! And that was the problem in his case. No one fell in love…But then his luck was about to shine. After all luck herself is a Lady, isn’t she? And she was gonna smile bright-not only on him, but on all 3 of them.

These luckless souls hadn’t met until now! And that was for their good, and also for the good of others around them. But then destiny can be an Itch with a ‘B’. By now if you are under the impression that this is a love-triangle straight out of a bollywood movie, then you are in for a rude shock. Because, the time they met, it was obvious that they would be friends and nothing more. (But isn’t this what always happens at the start?)

When the 1^st guy met with the girl, he liked her. But then she was not for him. He wanted better (read hotter), even though he looked like a chipmunk and behaved like one too. The girl, being herself, fell in love with him. It was her habit, a pastime for her. She would meet him again and again with petty reasons. And he loved the attention.

Enter 3^rd guy. In normal circumstances, the guys should have become bitter enemies, but became the best of friends. The girl fell out of love. But weirdly enough, she didn’t fall for the 3^rd guy. She liked this feeling of not mushing over a guy. The three of them were the devil’s children! Always together and always up to pranks, but little did they know that life had played one on them! It was about to unravel. But all in good time!!!

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10 NEW Ways to Break-Up with Your Girlfriend...

This one is for all the guys, who have been driven into insanity by their girlfriends. But also for girls

who might be fitting the bill of the victimisers! Gone are the days of "It's not You, It's me!"

1.       Follow a strict diet of eating onions, garlic and anything that is pungent. Then whisper naughty little sweet-nothings in her ears, possibly closer to her nose. And then plant the most UN-romantic kiss in the history of romances. Keep them coming and a few days later she will break the good news herself-“I wanna break up”

(Warning-Stay away from your friends during this time or you will lose them in the bargain)

2.       Stare at a hotter girl when with her. Nothing works better than this. Even if the random girl is not that hot, you make her sound hot. Your girlfriend will question your fidelity and ultimately end up in a tearful, hurtful break-up. In this, chances are that you will be slapped and punched in the face. But do remember the ultimate goal of being a free single-guy.

3.       Don’t wish her on her birthday. Forget the anniversaries that she ‘cares’ about so much. And then on her birthday/anniversary call up someone else and wish him/her. This will prompt her to leave you then and there. But this is the most dangerous of all; she could just about castrate you. Girls, can do crazy things and it is worth risking it if yours is as crazy.

4.       Go on a vacation with your buddies and send her pictures of you-drunk, semi-nude with foreign chicks. Go to goa, preferably.

5.       Get a weird hair color, new loud clothes and behave in a way that garners a lot of attention. If she is sophisticated, she will leave you after a few days.

6.       Ask her to do things that she would not normally agree with (you know what I mean :-P). And tell her you won’t have it any other way. She will either DO THEM or she will leave you. Either way, you win.

7.       Desperate times call for desperate measures. Tell her that you are dying and you want her to find love again before you die. Life is not as unreal as ‘A Walk to Remember’. She will leave you, after a little pushing-away and nagging.

8.       Try reverse-psychology. Tell her that though things are not going well, you want to give it a shot. Fight a few days later. Tell her that you will commit suicide if she breaks-up with you. Tell her that even if she has not mentioned. She will patch up with you, fearing the suicide note. But then fight-again. This time, if she is courageous enough, she will break-up, bored of your suicide ultimatum. This is like slow-poison, sure but slow.

9.       Take her to all the expensive places that she always wanted you to take her to. Then ask her to pay every time. Let her feel the pinch. Behave like a leech. Truth of life-girls like to have fun, until it is out of someone else’s pocket. She will leave you.

10.   Stop taking her calls. Sever all communication. And then drop a mail on Facebook, or somewhere saying “Sorry, can’t be with you. I need time for myself.” Cruel, isn’t it? But C’est La Vie

PS-Girls, please don’t hate me. I will write 10 ways for you to break up…keep reading!

Not a girlfriend….Yet like a girlfriend!

(DISCLAIMER: This one is for GUYS only. But Girls too read it as it might help you to understand guys better.)

I am not talking about “friends with benefits”. In fact, I am talking about the other way around-having a female friend who will usurp all the happiness out of your life like your girlfriend, without the providing the “benefits” of a girlfriend. First of all, I don’t know when it all started that being friends with the opposite sex became cool. May be it was Mujhse Dosti Karoge or one of the other candy floss films that made friendship sound COOLER.

The CATCH- these girls become friends with you, become very good friends with you (in some cases your best friend) and then expect your undivided attention. You are expected to be at their beck and call 24x7. They will call you once, twice, thrice and even a zillionth time until you hang up on your boss and tell him that it’s your mother calling and pick up your lady friend’s phone. Is this Lady-like behavior?

I support women. I love women-the things they do, the way they handle so many things simultaneously. So if you think I am a pig, you are wrong! But this is to all the girls out there-Have you heard of something called “Just Relax”? It is about being quiet, giving your male friend a break and accepting that HE TOO HAS A LIFE. Enough with all the saccharine-coated friendship! It is time to get real and practical.

I am not telling that girls and guys shouldn’t be friends. Having female friends has its advantages-hey are more supportive of you, they are more honest towards you and they are not jealous of your success. But at the same time they come with LOADS of emotional baggage. Something that I have been telling myself these days-Guy buds are better-there’s less talk, more laughter (pervert jokes), no tears. Be friends with a girl only if she is… (do I even need to complete this?).

PS-Any resemblance to life is co-incidental. No strings attached!